It’s not the end of the world. It’s not even that bad in the grand scheme of things…but, it is life altering. Some of the surrounding elements are pretty scary, but life goes on yes? So maybe, I’ll just make myself a pretend music montage of this past weekends events and try to hold on…Lifetime Movie Network – this is your official heads up to pure gold.
Thanks in advance to two of my current faves Birdy and Marina and the Diamonds – I’ve distorted your work for my own needs, but I am a true fan of both of you and hope you can forgive me. As for the rest of you, if in fact any of you are still reading this, just use your imagination and go with me…maybe I’ll make some actual montages of this new adventure I have found myself on, because no doubt they would be hilarious, but for the moment, just go with the written word…feel free to laugh – at this point, there is really nothing else to do. Laugh and adapt.
So first, the set-up. Two opening clips and some preliminary music appropriate for an existential crisis…
Cue music 1…
Clip 1 –
At the neurologist’s office, close up on my face when told I am at a high risk for a repeated seizure and I may not drive for 6 months. In fact, it is now illegal for me to drive for SIX MONTHS, and if something were to happen while driving during this time, I could lose everything. Insurance would not cover it. It is recommended that I turn myself in to the DMV. I need tests, maybe a cardiologist – electrical problems – brain scarring or heart issues or both. The look on my face is shock and awe. The thoughts running through my head; I have two jobs, I have two children, I am trying to start a business, I need my car. Six months means November, unless I have another episode, and then the clock starts over. Shit. I live in a place where mass transit stinks. How am I going to get the kids to camp? How am I going to get groceries to feed the kids? How am I going to get to work to have the money to feed the kids, and the insurance to pay for all of these tests? Shit. What the hell am I going to do? My body is fritzing out. Shit.
Clip 2 –
At home at my kitchen counter, weeping. The sun sets, on my sobbing self and music 1 fades. Dramatically.
A New Day – Some Proposed Montage Titles – Surrender & Acceptance – Ouch!, or Spiritual Irony: The Smackdown, or The Queen of Swords: The Blade Falls or Out from behind the Wheel: A Tale of Mass Transit, Extreme Planning, and Deep, Deep Breathing
The sun rises on a new day, signaling a change in attitude and perspective of our heroine, an essential in any “go get ’em” lady movie. Cue music 2…
Clip 3 –
Shot of handwritten “when life hands you lemons…” List –
Transit Options – Bus, Bike, Cabs, Walking, Friends (w/#s), Family (w/#s)
Grocery Options – home delivery service (called and confirmed)
Dr. Appointments – Schedule STAT
Provisions – another list…a sub list of all the stuff that would suck to run out of – beauty products, batteries, light bulbs, cleaning supplies, coffee, wine
Clip 4 –
Marshall picking the boys and I up for huge shopping trip foreshadowed in clip 3. Cuz you know, I can’t drive…for SIX MONTHS.
Clip 5 –
At Kroger, handing money to the nice cashier for three bus passes.
Clip 6 –
At Beauty Supply store, buying copious amounts of beauty products, shampoo, conditioner, and bubble bath…for all of my long-term beauty needs. Another nice cashier:)
Clip 7 –
At Old Navy, bravely trying on sensible shorts with lots of dramatic sighing, but consoling myself instead by purchasing gold flip-flops…Flashback to me, pre-neurologists in a pretty dress and adorable heels, wistful, because I know it will now be impossible to wear said items while attempting to bike up the enormous hill near my house on my way to work…I also buy t-shirts, leggings, and socks to wear with sneakers…ugh. Boys get Sonic and Avengers tees.
Clip 8 –
Lunch break at 5 Guys – cuteness abounds with sweet boys and french fries:) Voice over music – adorable son, Mac (8), proclaiming that as soon as he gets his license, he’ll take me anywhere I want to go…Riley (6) chimed in saying he would too. Full heart. Cut to my face again…this time, beaming, clearly I believe them. Never mind the 8 and 10 year wait…
Clip 9 –
Back to shopping. At the fabric store, buying all the must have fabrics, yarn, ribbons, and notions that I might need to satisfy my design, and creativity needs…this replaces the usual and standard cute dress try-on section of any self-respecting montage. And as those scenes serve to show us the charm and adorableness of the heroine, it also generally signals the girl is going to be alright – “See she is dancing in a fluffy mini-dress, all is well!” Think quirky patterned fabrics, tangles of ribbon, and stage diving into yarn! Ooooh is that elastic on sale? Cut to Marshall and boys entertaining themselves at the WaWa next door with milk shakes…
Clip 10 –
At Costco, buying huge vats of laundry detergent, dish soap, coffee, and WINE. Enormous crowds and my children running around like deranged monkeys.
Clip 11 –
Last stop of the day…what’s this? A surprise cheer-me-up/b-day gift? For me? Nothing makes me happier than to induce a little Pinterest jealousy, and with my new gift of adorable, mosaic-tiled bird cafe table, and matching cute chairs with cute cushions for my front porch, I can do just that:) Maybe bumming around my house for SIX MONTHS won’t be so bad…
Last shot – Me sipping Costco wine at my new table in my new chair on my front porch…happily searching for bikes on google, blogging this post, making more lists, and at peace that I have enough conditioner and coffee to last me at least six months.
Some time ago, I had my tarot cards read. This was before the latest seizure. After the reading, I worked on Glitter Spell #4. The reader had lots of lovely information for me, but one thing stung – she believed the cards were pointing to a tendency to deny my own abundance although she could clearly see it in every area of my life. It hit home, and shone light on a whole host of things I need to work on. From that reading, I started asking friends how they connect to their own richness – some said it was the ability to trust their intuition, some said it had to do with the people around them and the help and comfort they receive from them, some said it was celebrating their true gifts and/or honoring their full self. Some had no idea. Some offered hints at my own abundance – what they saw in me – and what they said was beautiful, but the reader was right, I’m always a few steps back from my own experience, either hoping to control it in some way or feeling undeserving. Yuck. Hence the spell.
In a stroke of spiritual irony, I asked for my true abundance to become clear to me. I asked for my true power to come forth. I asked for my heart to release and to let go of everything preventing joy in my life. I asked for the courage, and faith to let go, and just be. The universe always answers, and usually pretty quickly – it’s just never happens how I think it should happen, but it is always true and exactly what I need.
All these things are woven together. Energy. Movement. It’s connected. It’s relative. It’s deep. It’s rich. My health. My heart. My joy. My truth. My children. My life. Your heart. Your health. Your joy. Your truth. Your children. Your life. Is it justice? I don’t know. But if there has ever been a time to employ faith, to celebrate my gifts, call on friends and family, it is now. If there has ever been a time, to believe in myself and my own resourcefulness and strength, it is right now. And if there has ever been a time, to start laughing, this would be the exact moment. I know I am lucky to have what I have. I know I am loved. I know I am deserving and rich in all the ways that count. And so are you.
Here’s to feeling it from the bottom of our hearts and souls too.